Everyone gets their turn

I’m a Big Islander, staying in Honolulu this week. Being in Honolulu always inspires me to write about driving around the islands. Driving, successfully, through Honolulu is a magical slight of hand, eye, and foot like nothing the world’s magicians have yet attempted. The first trick is the need for an aerial perspective to really understand the lay of the land. The second trick is to forget that the shortest distance between two points is a straight line. Once you get the bird’s eye view (from a map, for example), come back to earth and prepare to get where you’re headed by heading in the opposite direction. Many times. If you are on Street A, and one block up on Street B is your target, do not think you only need make a simple turn. There are no simple turns in Honolulu. There are signs to assist in clarifying how turns most safely can be made. Unfortunately, unless you’re an Evelyn Wood graduate as well as eagle-eyed, you’re going to need to park next to the signs to know the guidelines.

I parked in just such a situation this morning, intending a right turn, when I found a sign with approximately 30 words on it about the right turn rules at this corner. I know that the car behind me was frustrated, even though the light was still red for us. I just didn’t know if I could turn. The bold type said No Right Turn On Red. Okay. The right turn essay that followed, however, started with “unless…” and continued in a well-developed expository essay complete with introductory paragraphs, at least three points to consider in the body of the text (at this point our light is green, but I am afraid there is surely a green light guideline buried in this sign waiting for my comprehension), and a concluding paragraph. The person behind me went politely around. Thank goodness for driving with Aloha. When I understood the sign sufficiently, the light changed to red, and I waited for traffic to clear before I turned… which occurred only when I got the next green light.

If Honolulu right turns are moody at every corner, the left turns are whimsical. There are certain times of the day when you can actually completely lose the left turn lane, and any left turn options, for a distance just shy of one hundred miles. This sent me into a spin, literally, when I finally figured out that three right turns equals one left turn. Imagine all the reading! I don’t need to go to Border’s anymore for material to brush up, I just need to try to get somewhere in Honolulu. If your child is reading slowly, you might think about putting her behind the driver’s wheel in Honolulu and her reading rate will surely triple. I know that mine has.

But I was going to tell you about going from Street A to Street B, parallel streets, one block apart. First take all the streets named after royalty, arrange them alphabetically, and omit the ones starting with K. This leaves three streets, which happen to all be right turns from your location. Take them all, go two blocks, and there you are: Street B. Sadly, however, you will need to sail right past it since Street B does not allow any turns. You have to find one of the two villages of termination of that street, where at last it fizzles out due to blue rock, a volcanic mound, or some such, and there you may gain access to the targeted boulevard. Or better yet, the road will end at the ocean and since you're now at the beach, forget the drive and get your feet wet for a while.